A desperate cry out for help…
So I’m not good enough right. Not as a private person. I’m not looking like people do. I have nothing to offer. See, like everyone else I look for confirmation, I look for it mostly from men. But it is all in vain, I’m just not good enough. I should be able to think it doesn’t matter. Who cares? Why care? It is their fault. But is it? Is it there fault that I look bad, not good for anything. I wish I was the one I’am at work (almost all of the time), confident, happy and in charge! I know what I’m doing. People like me, my students are safe with me. But inside, it is such a mess. Just a big mess. I feel so empty, so alone, so shattered. I look around me sometimes, I do it when people don’t see. I read their body language, and I see it. I see they do respect me at my job, I see them finding my jokes funny, but after hours, I really am not good enough. I say it, I’am impossible to live with, I don’t know if I’m or not. I hide, because I just can’t find anyone that would put up. I fall in love, I do. But I hide so deep and just wait for it to go away. Mostly it is men already taken, so it is easy to just ignore. Sometimes I also try to find confirmation for a night or two, and that works, but I’m so easy to go from the other woman to the third or ever further down. I don’t blame people for that, I would have to. I pretend to be this carefree person. But inside I’m dying. Slowly, but surely. I die. Nothing is really left. I do have this much love within me, I just never show it. I feel it makes me to vulnerable Is there any idea to get help, should I walk away from my job, and die in peace or should I remain because it is the only place I do get some caring.
